Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
