Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
