So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
