I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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