She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
