So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
