So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
