god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
