Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
