And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
