I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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