I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
