dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
