Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
