I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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