I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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