Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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