Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
My cat gives me a boner
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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