My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
