Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
