there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
