mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
