Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
