hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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