so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
