I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
