What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just tell him i said nine months
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
