70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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