god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
there's paper in my vomit.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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