When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
