woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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