he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
