You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
