my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize