If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
