Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
