Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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