This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
