i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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