plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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