I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
