my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
