Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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