i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
