I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
