Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
