sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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