great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
