Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
