I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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