you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
