My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
