i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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