My sheets look like a crime scene.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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