Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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