The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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