i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize