Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
