fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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