what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
