She is in my trunk
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
