This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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