Someone shit on the floor
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
