turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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