Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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