do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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