His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
